Intuition is mostly loosely understood to be the ability to make decisions and solve problems without taking the time to rationally measure every possible option. There are several perspectives on what intuition is and why it works. Since this is an article on how I apply intuition to how I eat, it will suffice to use my understanding of the word.
In my study and experience of my use of intuition, I have found that intuition works on a combination of experience and information. The more experience I have and the better the information I have about my experience, the better able I am to predict the outcome of my choices. Thus, eating intuitively is eating based on informed experience rather than eating based on a calculated diet.
Since part of intuition is gathering information about my experiences. I don't simply say that eating A feels good, therefore eating A is good and I will choose to eat A all the time. I experience that A feels good, gather information about why A feels good, and then find out out what else might feel good for the same reasons. Likewise, when B feels bad, I want to know why B feels bad so that I can avoid B and other things like B.
Experience only told me that eating made me feel nauseous. Keeping a food diary helped me figure out part of why eating made me feel nauseous, but it wasn't enough information to prevent me from feeling bad. Allergy testing gave me the information I needed in order to avoid the foods that make me feel nauseous. My food diary was insufficient information because I didn't know that allergies can have delayed reactions. There was so much time between eating allergens and having reactions that I couldn't pinpoint which foods were making me feel sick. I was also dealing with compounded effects, cross reactions, and cross contamination.
Now, that I know what to avoid, I am on an elimination diet of brown rice, oats, fresh and frozen produce, and fresh meat. I am giving the allergens time to leave my body and giving my body a chance to rest from the constant bombardment of allergens.
Since most of my food allergies are mild, I will be able to eat most of the foods I'm allergic to in limited quantities on a rotational basis without making myself sick. How much and how often, will depend entirely on how my body responds to those foods. So, the upcoming months will be a process of gathering the information and experience I need in order to eat intuitively without making myself feel sick.
Part of that process will be keeping a food diary to track my responses to foods. Since my allergic responses are delayed, having a written record of when I consumed an allergen and how much of it I consumed, will help me figure out how long it takes to react and how strong the reaction is given how much of the allergen I ate and possible cross-reactions and other compounding effects might have contributed to the reaction.
Once I have gathered enough information and experience, I will be able to make my food choices without carefully rationalizing each choice because I'll already know what's likely to make me feel sick and what I'm likely to be able to enjoy without feeling sick. Even when I am able to eat intuitively, I will always be gathering information and experience and modifying my diet as necessary in order to make sure that I am properly fueled and nourished by what I eat.
Intuitive eating does not mean that I mindlessly shove food into my mouth whenever I happen to have food available. Intuitive eating is just a fancy name for eating the way that people naturally eat when they are not following a calculated diet. When not on a calculated diet, people tend to eat based on the information and experience that they have gathered throughout a lifetime of eating.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Allergies and My Belly
I have literally lost three inches on my upper arms and several inches over other areas of my body overnight.
The nurse, who administered my allergy tests, mentioned to me that many people with allergies retain a lot of fluids and tend to drop significant amounts of weight literally overnight when they stop eating the foods they are allergic to. I had no clue that I was retaining fluids because I thought I was just super fat.
Apparently, I was retaining huge pockets of fluids because my body looks different today than it did yesterday. I spent five minutes staring at my arm in the mirror because I could visually distinguish the regions of fat, muscle, and retained fluids. I still have some significant fluid deposits, but I'm guessing those will continue to shrink as I avoid the foods I'm allergic to.
The nurse also mentioned that people tend to lose significant amounts of body fat when they avoid the foods they are allergic to. I didn't give the comment a thought at the time because my body is going to be whatever size it is going to be and it doesn't matter to me what size that is as long as I am doing what I need to do in order to care for it the best that I can with the information I have.
Finding out that I have food allergies is a huge step forward in self-care. It means that I can stop bombarding my body with the foods that cause it harm. Whether that changes my weight or not, it's awesome because it means I might stop feeling nauseous all day every day. My brain fog might clear up and I might have the memory I had when I was younger. I might have more energy and be able to do more of the activities that I enjoy.
What does a potential weight change mean for me as a fat acceptance blogger? Pretty much nothing. In my mind, fat acceptance is about accepting my body whatever changes it goes through. It's about caring for my body the best ways that I know how while expecting others to treat me with the same level of respect and dignity that every person on this planet should be able to expect and doing what I can to help make this a world where everybody is able to expect that level of respect from others.
So, if I become the incredible shrinking woman because I got the information I needed in order to take better care of myself, that's fascinating and pretty cool, but it isn't an indication of moral success. If all of that fluid comes back, it isn't an indication of moral failure, but it might be an indication that I need to ask my doctor for more information.
The nurse, who administered my allergy tests, mentioned to me that many people with allergies retain a lot of fluids and tend to drop significant amounts of weight literally overnight when they stop eating the foods they are allergic to. I had no clue that I was retaining fluids because I thought I was just super fat.
Apparently, I was retaining huge pockets of fluids because my body looks different today than it did yesterday. I spent five minutes staring at my arm in the mirror because I could visually distinguish the regions of fat, muscle, and retained fluids. I still have some significant fluid deposits, but I'm guessing those will continue to shrink as I avoid the foods I'm allergic to.
The nurse also mentioned that people tend to lose significant amounts of body fat when they avoid the foods they are allergic to. I didn't give the comment a thought at the time because my body is going to be whatever size it is going to be and it doesn't matter to me what size that is as long as I am doing what I need to do in order to care for it the best that I can with the information I have.
Finding out that I have food allergies is a huge step forward in self-care. It means that I can stop bombarding my body with the foods that cause it harm. Whether that changes my weight or not, it's awesome because it means I might stop feeling nauseous all day every day. My brain fog might clear up and I might have the memory I had when I was younger. I might have more energy and be able to do more of the activities that I enjoy.
What does a potential weight change mean for me as a fat acceptance blogger? Pretty much nothing. In my mind, fat acceptance is about accepting my body whatever changes it goes through. It's about caring for my body the best ways that I know how while expecting others to treat me with the same level of respect and dignity that every person on this planet should be able to expect and doing what I can to help make this a world where everybody is able to expect that level of respect from others.
So, if I become the incredible shrinking woman because I got the information I needed in order to take better care of myself, that's fascinating and pretty cool, but it isn't an indication of moral success. If all of that fluid comes back, it isn't an indication of moral failure, but it might be an indication that I need to ask my doctor for more information.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Thrown Equilibrium
No sooner did I post about having regained equilibrium than circumstances completely disrupted my balance.
A host of allergy tests have left me feeling mildly sick and achey. I have a legion of allergies I never suspected.
I am NOT allergic to dogs, cats, dust mites, cottonwood, cedar, douglas fir, several molds, or soy.
I am off-the-charts severely allergic to all kinds of grass. I am also allergic to lamb's quarter, false ragweed, english plantain, pigweed, alder, maple, willow, aspergillus, and alternaria. I am severely allergic to eggs. I am also allergic to wheat, peanuts, garlic, and oranges.
I am having a delayed reaction to the candida injections. I have to monitor them for one more day, but the bumps are already the size at which they diagnose allergy. I am awaiting test results for corn, chicken, and tuna.
Right now, I'm eating a diet of mostly oats and brown rice in order to give my body a chance to rest from all of the allergens it's been exposed to almost daily for however long I've been allergic to those things. In a couple of weeks, I can begin slowly introducing the allergens on a limited and rotating basis. By limiting the allergens and rotating them with non-allergenic foods, I should be able to avoid the tipping point of a reaction while providing my body with the nourishment it needs. By eating a variety foods on a rotating basis, I should be able to avoid sensitizing myself to anything else, so I've been told.
I bought an air filter and have locked myself in my room. My eyes have finally stopped itching and my sinuses are much less irritated. The minute I leave my room, my eyes start burning and my sinuses flare up. I can't stay in my room forever, but I can start taking my allergy medications on Monday, which should help immensely.
With all of my energy focused on getting my allergies under control, my weight/size has been the last thing on my mind. So, again, I say, "There are far worse things in life than being fat."
A host of allergy tests have left me feeling mildly sick and achey. I have a legion of allergies I never suspected.
I am NOT allergic to dogs, cats, dust mites, cottonwood, cedar, douglas fir, several molds, or soy.
I am off-the-charts severely allergic to all kinds of grass. I am also allergic to lamb's quarter, false ragweed, english plantain, pigweed, alder, maple, willow, aspergillus, and alternaria. I am severely allergic to eggs. I am also allergic to wheat, peanuts, garlic, and oranges.
I am having a delayed reaction to the candida injections. I have to monitor them for one more day, but the bumps are already the size at which they diagnose allergy. I am awaiting test results for corn, chicken, and tuna.
Right now, I'm eating a diet of mostly oats and brown rice in order to give my body a chance to rest from all of the allergens it's been exposed to almost daily for however long I've been allergic to those things. In a couple of weeks, I can begin slowly introducing the allergens on a limited and rotating basis. By limiting the allergens and rotating them with non-allergenic foods, I should be able to avoid the tipping point of a reaction while providing my body with the nourishment it needs. By eating a variety foods on a rotating basis, I should be able to avoid sensitizing myself to anything else, so I've been told.
I bought an air filter and have locked myself in my room. My eyes have finally stopped itching and my sinuses are much less irritated. The minute I leave my room, my eyes start burning and my sinuses flare up. I can't stay in my room forever, but I can start taking my allergy medications on Monday, which should help immensely.
With all of my energy focused on getting my allergies under control, my weight/size has been the last thing on my mind. So, again, I say, "There are far worse things in life than being fat."
Friday, June 5, 2009
Equilibrium
My TSH count has been holding stable right around 3.0 since I started pestering my doctor to look into that really high reading I had several months ago. My T4 count is good and stable as well. Both numbers are consistent with the kinds of numbers I used to get before I had the SVT.
The most likely explanation for the abnormal high is that my equilibrium was thrown off by the PSVT and the cardiac ablation I had to correct it. Now that I'm all healed up, my body has had a chance to regain it's normal balance. Other than a major allergy attack last week, I am doing fine.
I'm currently awaiting the results of some allergy testing to find out what might have triggered last week's insanity. Given that it happened following a day of heavy house-cleaning and mostly affected my sinuses, I'm guessing that it's dust mites. I got into the deep backs of some closets that haven't been touched for a few years and cleared out levels of dust normally only seen in horror movies.
The result was facial swelling beyond anything I thought possible, a sinus headache fit to kill a moose, and hive that would not quit. After a few days of Zyrtec and Flonase, I'm feeling like myself again. I bought some masks and goggles for housecleaning, in order to minimize my exposure the next time I decide to go dust crazy.
Having my equilibrium back has made it possible to be increasingly active. My basic housework is getting done and I'm putting energy into projects like organizing chaotic spaces and cleaning dust off of things that haven't been touched in years. I'm able to walk more frequently and for longer amounts of time. The weather has allowed for some excellent snapshots along the way.
I've been doing some light work with an exercise ball and a T'ai Chi book that was recommended by an experienced friend. My cardiologist is pleased with my progress and I'm excited to be returning to a more active lifestyle.
Fat is a fact of my existence. Weak muscles and lack of stamina don't have to be.
The most likely explanation for the abnormal high is that my equilibrium was thrown off by the PSVT and the cardiac ablation I had to correct it. Now that I'm all healed up, my body has had a chance to regain it's normal balance. Other than a major allergy attack last week, I am doing fine.
I'm currently awaiting the results of some allergy testing to find out what might have triggered last week's insanity. Given that it happened following a day of heavy house-cleaning and mostly affected my sinuses, I'm guessing that it's dust mites. I got into the deep backs of some closets that haven't been touched for a few years and cleared out levels of dust normally only seen in horror movies.
The result was facial swelling beyond anything I thought possible, a sinus headache fit to kill a moose, and hive that would not quit. After a few days of Zyrtec and Flonase, I'm feeling like myself again. I bought some masks and goggles for housecleaning, in order to minimize my exposure the next time I decide to go dust crazy.
Having my equilibrium back has made it possible to be increasingly active. My basic housework is getting done and I'm putting energy into projects like organizing chaotic spaces and cleaning dust off of things that haven't been touched in years. I'm able to walk more frequently and for longer amounts of time. The weather has allowed for some excellent snapshots along the way.
I've been doing some light work with an exercise ball and a T'ai Chi book that was recommended by an experienced friend. My cardiologist is pleased with my progress and I'm excited to be returning to a more active lifestyle.
Fat is a fact of my existence. Weak muscles and lack of stamina don't have to be.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Rating Inconvenience
There are plenty of surveys being published that indicate that people would rather die, have cancer, lose a limb, or otherwise suffer an extreme fate than be fat. How does fat really rate compared to losing limbs and having cancer? I don't know, but I can say how it rates compared to other inconveniences.
If I could choose between being fat and having a digestive intolerance to corn, I'd take the fat every time. Having a digestive intolerance to corn means that I have to read every label ingredient for the rest of my life and constantly keep track of what I've been eating to make sure that I can avoid anything that makes me sick.
If I could choose between being fat and having allergies to everything from synthetic fragrances to dust, I would choose the fat without hesitation. I would love to be able to use salon products in my hair again and go out into public without feeling sick every time I wander into someone's scent cloud. I would love to be able to go shopping for cleaning products without breaking out into a rash from all of the perfume in the cleaning aisle. I miss being able to try new soaps and makeup and all of that girly stuff without having to read the label or worrying that I might react even if it looks safe because I do not carry an encyclopedia of ingredients in my head.
If I could choose between being fat and having high insteps and crooked toes, I'd take the fat any day. My insteps and toes make it impossible for me to wear pretty shoes. I have to wear orthotics and take special care of my feet. I dream of wearing pretty shoes with pretty clothes, but I couldn't even if I wasn't fat because my insteps are just too high for most kinds of shoes. Any shoe with a pretty pointed toe would force my toes under each other, so I'd have crippling blisters within an hour of putting them on.
If I could choose between being fat and having Hidradenitis Suppurativa, I'd take the fat without question. HS is a condition in which the apocrine sweat glands are chronically infected. I have boils in places nobody should have boils. I have them all the time. I wear dark colors to hide stains and spend a great deal of time bathing and caring for my skin. I have scars that I'm terrified a lover would notice. Not having to suffer this would be heaven, fat or not.
All of that stuff is mild inconvenience compared to surviving cancer or losing a limb. Being fat is a walk in the park compared to all of that stuff.
If I could choose between being fat and having a digestive intolerance to corn, I'd take the fat every time. Having a digestive intolerance to corn means that I have to read every label ingredient for the rest of my life and constantly keep track of what I've been eating to make sure that I can avoid anything that makes me sick.
If I could choose between being fat and having allergies to everything from synthetic fragrances to dust, I would choose the fat without hesitation. I would love to be able to use salon products in my hair again and go out into public without feeling sick every time I wander into someone's scent cloud. I would love to be able to go shopping for cleaning products without breaking out into a rash from all of the perfume in the cleaning aisle. I miss being able to try new soaps and makeup and all of that girly stuff without having to read the label or worrying that I might react even if it looks safe because I do not carry an encyclopedia of ingredients in my head.
If I could choose between being fat and having high insteps and crooked toes, I'd take the fat any day. My insteps and toes make it impossible for me to wear pretty shoes. I have to wear orthotics and take special care of my feet. I dream of wearing pretty shoes with pretty clothes, but I couldn't even if I wasn't fat because my insteps are just too high for most kinds of shoes. Any shoe with a pretty pointed toe would force my toes under each other, so I'd have crippling blisters within an hour of putting them on.
If I could choose between being fat and having Hidradenitis Suppurativa, I'd take the fat without question. HS is a condition in which the apocrine sweat glands are chronically infected. I have boils in places nobody should have boils. I have them all the time. I wear dark colors to hide stains and spend a great deal of time bathing and caring for my skin. I have scars that I'm terrified a lover would notice. Not having to suffer this would be heaven, fat or not.
All of that stuff is mild inconvenience compared to surviving cancer or losing a limb. Being fat is a walk in the park compared to all of that stuff.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Autonomy
Since I had always assumed that my audience was other fat acceptance bloggers, I have never bothered to write posts that attempt to answer the fundamental questions about what fat acceptance is or why I support it. Since my purpose for this blog has always been to write the kinds of things that would cheer me up on a bad day, I have never tried to clarify my opinions. I think that it is time I wrote one post with the intention of explaining what fat acceptance means to me.
A few months after I started this blog, a friend of mine challenged my involvement in the fat acceptance movement. After defending my motives and personal choices, we finally got to the core of the matter when she assumed that I would not support a smoker's right to choose to smoke and to receive health care for any consequences that resulted from that choice because I am a non-smoker.
The right to choice is a fundamental human right. We can try to control it with legislation and punishments for people who make choices we don't like, but we cannot stop people from making choices. If we could, there would be no murder, rape, theft, fraud, verbal abuse, dirty looks, etc. People would always do the right things because their choices would be controlled by laws and punishments.
That doesn't mean there should be no consequences for a person's choices. That would be impossible. Even without laws, there are consequences for every choice. Laws exist to help protect people from the consequences of other people's choices.
So, while I support a smoker's right to choose to smoke, I support my right to choose to breathe clean air in public places by voting for laws to ban smoking in public places. If second-hand smoke posed no risk to anybody's health, I would let the smokers smoke wherever they like. Unfortunately, the second-hand smoke I breathed for the first 17 years of my life has resulted in asthma, poor resistance to respiratory infections, and a high likelihood of lung cancer. Removing second-hand smoke from public buildings, is much like removing asbestos. I would fully support smoking inside public places if there was a way to remove the second-hand smoke without removing the smokers. I'm not sure if it is the technology that is lacking or if we are simply at a point where the technology is still too costly to make that happen. I would fully support a solution that would allow smokers to enjoy their right to choice inside of public places without creating a health risk for other people.
Smokers are human beings with the right to respect and dignity. They are denied that right because they are making a choice that is socially unfashionable. They are herded outside and stuffed into cold sheds, if they are even allowed that much shelter from the elements, while they exercise their right to make personal choices. People say they deserve to be punished for choosing to harm themselves. Some go so far as to suggest that they should forfeit their right to health care for making that choice. They hope that by punishing smokers "for their own good" that smokers will make the socially acceptable choice. They hope that other people will choose not to smoke for fear of the social punishments they will endure if they start.
It doesn't work. People who enjoy smoking continue to do so. People who want to smoke continue to start. The only people who quit are the people who simply want to just because they don't want to smoke anymore, not because of social punishments or pressure. Many smokers talk about it the way would-be dieters talk about how they should make certain choices because that's what everybody should be doing. We should all be making the same choices, right?
That's what we tell ourselves and each other by the way we talk about ourselves and the way we treat others.
Fat acceptance is about the fundamental right of all human beings to make choices. It's about fighting for the fundamental level of respect due to all human beings. What is that fundamental level of respect? It's that level where all human beings should be able to expect to interact with each other without physical, verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse taking place.
Right now, there are a lot of people who cannot do that. I cannot sleep the night before a doctor's appointment because I don't know how much abuse I will receive when I step into that office. Will I be yelled at? Will he stick his hand between my legs without warning me? Will my body be handled roughly while my vitals are checked? How much is this going to hurt physically and emotionally? I don't know. I know it's going to hurt. Even when I am seeing a doctor who is the exception to the rule, there is some amount of emotional pain because I have been so badly abused by so many other doctors that I can't do anything about my anxiety.
Do I deserve to suffer those ways because I'm fat? Many people in our culture say yes in the same way that they say that all smokers deserve to be socially ostracized while they are smoking. I don't believe that. I believe that we could develop ventilation systems that could keep the air free of smoke if we felt that smokers were deserving of the same respect due all people. I believe that we could find solutions to our problems without punishing each other for making choices.
I believe that if fat people were respected, we could develop more comfortable seats on airplanes, so that we could all be equally comfortable instead of all of us being various levels of uncomfortable. If all people were respected, we could find solutions to our health care problems that would benefit everybody. If human rights were as deeply valued as profits, we could find new solutions to old problems. I am not saying that we can make the world perfect for everybody. However, I do believe that it is possible to make the world better for most people.
Since that isn't going to happen any time soon, I am content to maintain this blog as a reminder of what is good now in order to encourage myself to pursue better until the rest of the world catches up. I am sorry that the smokers have to stand outside so that I can breathe because nobody wanted to spend the money on a solution that benefits everybody. Seriously, how awesome are well-ventilated buildings? Just imagine if all buildings could be so well ventilated. Someday, technology will catch up with my dream and we'll all be breathing easier.
A few months after I started this blog, a friend of mine challenged my involvement in the fat acceptance movement. After defending my motives and personal choices, we finally got to the core of the matter when she assumed that I would not support a smoker's right to choose to smoke and to receive health care for any consequences that resulted from that choice because I am a non-smoker.
The right to choice is a fundamental human right. We can try to control it with legislation and punishments for people who make choices we don't like, but we cannot stop people from making choices. If we could, there would be no murder, rape, theft, fraud, verbal abuse, dirty looks, etc. People would always do the right things because their choices would be controlled by laws and punishments.
That doesn't mean there should be no consequences for a person's choices. That would be impossible. Even without laws, there are consequences for every choice. Laws exist to help protect people from the consequences of other people's choices.
So, while I support a smoker's right to choose to smoke, I support my right to choose to breathe clean air in public places by voting for laws to ban smoking in public places. If second-hand smoke posed no risk to anybody's health, I would let the smokers smoke wherever they like. Unfortunately, the second-hand smoke I breathed for the first 17 years of my life has resulted in asthma, poor resistance to respiratory infections, and a high likelihood of lung cancer. Removing second-hand smoke from public buildings, is much like removing asbestos. I would fully support smoking inside public places if there was a way to remove the second-hand smoke without removing the smokers. I'm not sure if it is the technology that is lacking or if we are simply at a point where the technology is still too costly to make that happen. I would fully support a solution that would allow smokers to enjoy their right to choice inside of public places without creating a health risk for other people.
Smokers are human beings with the right to respect and dignity. They are denied that right because they are making a choice that is socially unfashionable. They are herded outside and stuffed into cold sheds, if they are even allowed that much shelter from the elements, while they exercise their right to make personal choices. People say they deserve to be punished for choosing to harm themselves. Some go so far as to suggest that they should forfeit their right to health care for making that choice. They hope that by punishing smokers "for their own good" that smokers will make the socially acceptable choice. They hope that other people will choose not to smoke for fear of the social punishments they will endure if they start.
It doesn't work. People who enjoy smoking continue to do so. People who want to smoke continue to start. The only people who quit are the people who simply want to just because they don't want to smoke anymore, not because of social punishments or pressure. Many smokers talk about it the way would-be dieters talk about how they should make certain choices because that's what everybody should be doing. We should all be making the same choices, right?
That's what we tell ourselves and each other by the way we talk about ourselves and the way we treat others.
Fat acceptance is about the fundamental right of all human beings to make choices. It's about fighting for the fundamental level of respect due to all human beings. What is that fundamental level of respect? It's that level where all human beings should be able to expect to interact with each other without physical, verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse taking place.
Right now, there are a lot of people who cannot do that. I cannot sleep the night before a doctor's appointment because I don't know how much abuse I will receive when I step into that office. Will I be yelled at? Will he stick his hand between my legs without warning me? Will my body be handled roughly while my vitals are checked? How much is this going to hurt physically and emotionally? I don't know. I know it's going to hurt. Even when I am seeing a doctor who is the exception to the rule, there is some amount of emotional pain because I have been so badly abused by so many other doctors that I can't do anything about my anxiety.
Do I deserve to suffer those ways because I'm fat? Many people in our culture say yes in the same way that they say that all smokers deserve to be socially ostracized while they are smoking. I don't believe that. I believe that we could develop ventilation systems that could keep the air free of smoke if we felt that smokers were deserving of the same respect due all people. I believe that we could find solutions to our problems without punishing each other for making choices.
I believe that if fat people were respected, we could develop more comfortable seats on airplanes, so that we could all be equally comfortable instead of all of us being various levels of uncomfortable. If all people were respected, we could find solutions to our health care problems that would benefit everybody. If human rights were as deeply valued as profits, we could find new solutions to old problems. I am not saying that we can make the world perfect for everybody. However, I do believe that it is possible to make the world better for most people.
Since that isn't going to happen any time soon, I am content to maintain this blog as a reminder of what is good now in order to encourage myself to pursue better until the rest of the world catches up. I am sorry that the smokers have to stand outside so that I can breathe because nobody wanted to spend the money on a solution that benefits everybody. Seriously, how awesome are well-ventilated buildings? Just imagine if all buildings could be so well ventilated. Someday, technology will catch up with my dream and we'll all be breathing easier.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thyroid Still Being Screened
Many people showed concern for my thyroid. This update is just to let you all know that my doctor has not blown me off. Tomorrow, I will be getting blood drawn for a TSH. One month from now, I will be having a T4 count. Since I've had so many blood tests since my PSVT attack last July, we have a string of thyroid counts, so there should be a picture of what my thyroid is doing over time.
Tomorrow, I'm going to call my doctor's office to find out if I can get an appointment with an allergist. I have a whole host of sensitivities that cause me no end of inconvenience. I've been content to play hit or miss with them because rashes and GI distress aren't life-threatening symptoms. I'm not going to die if I get it wrong. Last night, I ate something with soy in it for the first time in weeks and puffed up like a blowfish and broke out in hives. I am utterly miserable right now.
If I have an actual allergy, it's important to have an actual diagnosis so that I can get proper medical care for it.
UPDATE: 5/27/09
Today, I had an "emergency" appointment with my doctor. We talked about my allergy history and my current allergy symptoms. I was sent to the lab with an order for all kinds of blood work to see if we can track down why I'm swelling up in my sleep and waking up with hives. Since I hadn't yet gotten blood drawn for my TSH count, the TSH and free T4 counts were added to my lab order and I was told to shred the lab orders that would have placed those two tests one month apart. I should also have a referral to the local allergist written up soon.
Tomorrow, I'm going to call my doctor's office to find out if I can get an appointment with an allergist. I have a whole host of sensitivities that cause me no end of inconvenience. I've been content to play hit or miss with them because rashes and GI distress aren't life-threatening symptoms. I'm not going to die if I get it wrong. Last night, I ate something with soy in it for the first time in weeks and puffed up like a blowfish and broke out in hives. I am utterly miserable right now.
If I have an actual allergy, it's important to have an actual diagnosis so that I can get proper medical care for it.
UPDATE: 5/27/09
Today, I had an "emergency" appointment with my doctor. We talked about my allergy history and my current allergy symptoms. I was sent to the lab with an order for all kinds of blood work to see if we can track down why I'm swelling up in my sleep and waking up with hives. Since I hadn't yet gotten blood drawn for my TSH count, the TSH and free T4 counts were added to my lab order and I was told to shred the lab orders that would have placed those two tests one month apart. I should also have a referral to the local allergist written up soon.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Putting Thought Into Choice
In a world that is designed for "average" people, those of us who aren't average have to get really good at asking questions in order to enjoy the same freedoms that other people take for granted.
My brother is epileptic. He has to be seizure-free for at least six months in a row before they will consider allowing him to learn to drive. He's never been seizure-free for that long in his life. It's especially frustrating to him because he only has seizures when he's sleeping, so he doesn't understand why that should stop him from driving. Because of that limitation and his developmental delay, he is dependent on other people to get around. If he wants to ride a bus, he has to ask for help understanding the schedule and planning his trip. If he wants to ask for a ride, he needs to wait for other people's convenience to do something.
When he wants to do something, that limitation doesn't get in his way. He talks to people about what he wants to do until he gets to do it. He has no shame.
I am learning to live my life without shame. When I booked my flight for my trip to California, I used seatguru.com to look up the measurements of the seats on the flights that were available so that i could choose the least uncomfortable flight option. I'm not embarrassed to ask for a seatbelt extender and will be phoning the airline tomorrow to make sure that they don't have one of those bogus policies requiring fat people to buy an extra seat.
When I was getting ready to buy my guitar, one of my questions was about the thickness of my fingers. I wanted to know if I would need a wider fretboard. I was assured that I didn't. When I got my guitar home and began trying to play some chords, I was heartbroken that I was muting every string. I thought for sure that my fingers were too fat, so I used Google to look up "fat fingers" and "guitar". I discovered that the problem was my technique, not my fingers. Five minutes later, I was fingering chords without muting any strings.
The efforts I have to make for my fat are nothing compared to the efforts I have to make for my allergies and sensitivities. I have to read food labels carefully because corn, its derivatives, and small seeds, like flax and sesame, cause intense pain, bloating, and diarrhea, poultry and soy give me migraines, and artificial sweeteners make me nauseous, leave a chemical taste in my mouth for days, and give me migraines. The list of foods I am able to eat is much smaller than the list of foods I can. The list is further truncated by my need to limit my sodium intake and avoid caffeine entirely because of my arrhythmia.
Since my eating habits weren't complicated enough, I have begun having hypoglycemic symptoms in the last six months. I control my symptoms by paying attention to the glycemic load of everything I eat and making sure that I eat regularly throughout the day.
Making sure I have a good seat on a plane is a walk in the park compared to that.
Learning that my challenges are not necessarily limitations has been a long process. I'm still learning how to roll with the punches and adjust for the unpredictable parts of life. It's getting easier because I keep asking questions and keep practicing. I keep learning from how the other people in my life deal with their challenges. The people in my life are fearless. I used to believe that I would spend my life trembling in a corner, afraid to do anything difficult.
I didn't just stand up one day and start telling my doctors where to stick it when they were abusive and start doing everything that I had ever put off. It kind of feels like I did because doing one brave thing opened a floodgate for me. Even so, it has been a process. I still have hard days.
After my inadequate lunch, I threw a proper pity party in which I felt the full weight of the unfairness of being judged as lazy/deluded/dishonest/stupid just because doing the right things doesn't result in my body getting smaller. I wanted to know why people can't just treat me with respect and let me deal with my issues in the way that works best for me. What gives them the right to tear me down and treat me like I'm not quite human just because I don't live up to their arbitrary standards?
It's an important question that isn't going to be resolved with pity parties. I believe that part of resolving the issue is simply being visible and living a live without apology. I'm a fat person who writes and plays the guitar and takes dance classes when I'm able. I swim without being embarrassed of how much skin my swimsuit shows.
Being fat is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It isn't even the most inconvenient thing I have to deal with in my life. Being fat isn't even a bad thing. It's the way my body is. The thing that sucks is that other people think that it's a legitimate excuse to treat me badly. I'm the first to tell them that it isn't. I'll tell them repeatedly if I have to.
So, if you really want to do something, ask questions. Ask questions you think you shouldn't have to ask. Ask them without embarrassment or apology. Then, go do stuff without embarrassment or apology because you found out that you can totally do that!
My brother is epileptic. He has to be seizure-free for at least six months in a row before they will consider allowing him to learn to drive. He's never been seizure-free for that long in his life. It's especially frustrating to him because he only has seizures when he's sleeping, so he doesn't understand why that should stop him from driving. Because of that limitation and his developmental delay, he is dependent on other people to get around. If he wants to ride a bus, he has to ask for help understanding the schedule and planning his trip. If he wants to ask for a ride, he needs to wait for other people's convenience to do something.
When he wants to do something, that limitation doesn't get in his way. He talks to people about what he wants to do until he gets to do it. He has no shame.
I am learning to live my life without shame. When I booked my flight for my trip to California, I used seatguru.com to look up the measurements of the seats on the flights that were available so that i could choose the least uncomfortable flight option. I'm not embarrassed to ask for a seatbelt extender and will be phoning the airline tomorrow to make sure that they don't have one of those bogus policies requiring fat people to buy an extra seat.
When I was getting ready to buy my guitar, one of my questions was about the thickness of my fingers. I wanted to know if I would need a wider fretboard. I was assured that I didn't. When I got my guitar home and began trying to play some chords, I was heartbroken that I was muting every string. I thought for sure that my fingers were too fat, so I used Google to look up "fat fingers" and "guitar". I discovered that the problem was my technique, not my fingers. Five minutes later, I was fingering chords without muting any strings.
The efforts I have to make for my fat are nothing compared to the efforts I have to make for my allergies and sensitivities. I have to read food labels carefully because corn, its derivatives, and small seeds, like flax and sesame, cause intense pain, bloating, and diarrhea, poultry and soy give me migraines, and artificial sweeteners make me nauseous, leave a chemical taste in my mouth for days, and give me migraines. The list of foods I am able to eat is much smaller than the list of foods I can. The list is further truncated by my need to limit my sodium intake and avoid caffeine entirely because of my arrhythmia.
Since my eating habits weren't complicated enough, I have begun having hypoglycemic symptoms in the last six months. I control my symptoms by paying attention to the glycemic load of everything I eat and making sure that I eat regularly throughout the day.
Making sure I have a good seat on a plane is a walk in the park compared to that.
Learning that my challenges are not necessarily limitations has been a long process. I'm still learning how to roll with the punches and adjust for the unpredictable parts of life. It's getting easier because I keep asking questions and keep practicing. I keep learning from how the other people in my life deal with their challenges. The people in my life are fearless. I used to believe that I would spend my life trembling in a corner, afraid to do anything difficult.
I didn't just stand up one day and start telling my doctors where to stick it when they were abusive and start doing everything that I had ever put off. It kind of feels like I did because doing one brave thing opened a floodgate for me. Even so, it has been a process. I still have hard days.
After my inadequate lunch, I threw a proper pity party in which I felt the full weight of the unfairness of being judged as lazy/deluded/dishonest/stupid just because doing the right things doesn't result in my body getting smaller. I wanted to know why people can't just treat me with respect and let me deal with my issues in the way that works best for me. What gives them the right to tear me down and treat me like I'm not quite human just because I don't live up to their arbitrary standards?
It's an important question that isn't going to be resolved with pity parties. I believe that part of resolving the issue is simply being visible and living a live without apology. I'm a fat person who writes and plays the guitar and takes dance classes when I'm able. I swim without being embarrassed of how much skin my swimsuit shows.
Being fat is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It isn't even the most inconvenient thing I have to deal with in my life. Being fat isn't even a bad thing. It's the way my body is. The thing that sucks is that other people think that it's a legitimate excuse to treat me badly. I'm the first to tell them that it isn't. I'll tell them repeatedly if I have to.
So, if you really want to do something, ask questions. Ask questions you think you shouldn't have to ask. Ask them without embarrassment or apology. Then, go do stuff without embarrassment or apology because you found out that you can totally do that!
Thinking About Fat
At the beginning of this year, I decided to experiment with writing about how my fat affects my interactions with the world around me. In writing about my struggles with finding proper medical care and the baggage from my days of dieting and exercising in a compulsive fashion, this blog has drifted far from my original intention of being a place of body positivity.
I've shared some good things and some important things. However, instead of being the blog I come to in order to celebrate living in the body I have, it has become the blog where I come to write about battles won and lost and to deal with textual garbage from my resident troll. I am missing the positive tone I set out to create with this blog.
In the spirit of reclaiming that passion, I'd like to write about where I'm really at right now. It's a good place to be.
Medical woes are on the back burner. On Monday, I am having blood drawn for a TSH count. One month from now, I am scheduled for a T4 count.
My thoughts are firmly focused on the future. This summer, I will be spending a weekend with all of my friends on the Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA. Everything is booked and paid for. I have a new camera that takes excellent pictures. I also have a new cellphone on the way because they no longer make replacement chargers for my old phone and it looks like the puppy tried chewing on the cord of my current charger. I was due for an upgrade, so it didn't even cost me any money.
My stamina is increasing every day. I am using my increased energy to be a better caregiver to my brother, who has epilepsy and a developmental delay. This month, I have taught him what his rights and responsibilities are as a caregiving client, how to keep his goatee neatly shaped and trimmed, and some things he didn't know about how to work with a caregiver who isn't me. Prior to me, he had a world of trouble with caregivers who didn't bother to show up and caregivers who were negligent/abusive if they did bother to show up. I'm not planning on doing this job for the rest of my life, so I'm teaching him what I can about standing up for himself and telling people what he needs.
My big project for the next month is helping my brother organize his space. His other caregivers had no clue where to begin helping him with that, so they would tell him to move stuff around until it looked clean and leave him alone. Today, I had a long talk with him about what he would like his room to look like and what kinds of things we would have to do to accomplish that goal. When I leave, he's going to know how to maintain his room so that future caregivers won't have an excuse to ignore him when he asks for help with something.
I'm planning on leaving sometime around the fall of 2010. This September I will apply for admission to my chosen university. If I am accepted and receive enough financial aid, I will be finishing my English degree with one more year of study, two at the most. In the meantime, I am working on a body of creative work in order to have some idea of which direction I want to go with my education. I want to be prepared to have a job in my chosen field when I graduate.
If I can't go back to school, I will start looking for entry level positions in my chosen field. Even though I am working as a caregiver, I am still spending much of my free time doing things that relate to the field I want to work in. One way or another, I should be able to move to a place with more than 5,000 people within the next year or two.
I'm learning to play my guitar. I'm learning T'ai Chi. I'm building strength and stamina so that I'll be able to take belly dance classes when I live in a place that offers classes. I'm hoping I'll be able to find hula classes too. I'm reading a regular basis, like I did when I was younger. I'm also building a solid music collection and playing with photography again.
What does all of that have to do with being fat? It is all of the stuff that I never dared pursue because I thought I couldn't do any of it until I was thin. I thought I was too unattractive to dance and too big to hold a guitar and too unsightly to be taking pictures in beautiful places. Now, I wear camisoles and plan my future like it doesn't matter that anybody thinks my body is disgusting.
I look mighty fine in a black camisole and black cotton briefs and I don't have to sleep with anybody who doesn't agree. Surprisingly, there are plenty of people who do agree. It's been fun discovering that. I wasn't able to until I stopped listening to all of those people who kept telling me what I couldn't and shouldn't do because I was too big and too unattractive to be doing anything or anyone. Just because some people's minds are too small to imagine me doing anything doesn't mean that I'm too big to do what I want. It just means that I shouldn't be trying to do it with them.
Doing things I love to do and doing them with people who love to do those things with me is definitely worth celebrating. So is doing things I love all by myself. That's what this blog is intended to be about.
I've shared some good things and some important things. However, instead of being the blog I come to in order to celebrate living in the body I have, it has become the blog where I come to write about battles won and lost and to deal with textual garbage from my resident troll. I am missing the positive tone I set out to create with this blog.
In the spirit of reclaiming that passion, I'd like to write about where I'm really at right now. It's a good place to be.
Medical woes are on the back burner. On Monday, I am having blood drawn for a TSH count. One month from now, I am scheduled for a T4 count.
My thoughts are firmly focused on the future. This summer, I will be spending a weekend with all of my friends on the Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA. Everything is booked and paid for. I have a new camera that takes excellent pictures. I also have a new cellphone on the way because they no longer make replacement chargers for my old phone and it looks like the puppy tried chewing on the cord of my current charger. I was due for an upgrade, so it didn't even cost me any money.
My stamina is increasing every day. I am using my increased energy to be a better caregiver to my brother, who has epilepsy and a developmental delay. This month, I have taught him what his rights and responsibilities are as a caregiving client, how to keep his goatee neatly shaped and trimmed, and some things he didn't know about how to work with a caregiver who isn't me. Prior to me, he had a world of trouble with caregivers who didn't bother to show up and caregivers who were negligent/abusive if they did bother to show up. I'm not planning on doing this job for the rest of my life, so I'm teaching him what I can about standing up for himself and telling people what he needs.
My big project for the next month is helping my brother organize his space. His other caregivers had no clue where to begin helping him with that, so they would tell him to move stuff around until it looked clean and leave him alone. Today, I had a long talk with him about what he would like his room to look like and what kinds of things we would have to do to accomplish that goal. When I leave, he's going to know how to maintain his room so that future caregivers won't have an excuse to ignore him when he asks for help with something.
I'm planning on leaving sometime around the fall of 2010. This September I will apply for admission to my chosen university. If I am accepted and receive enough financial aid, I will be finishing my English degree with one more year of study, two at the most. In the meantime, I am working on a body of creative work in order to have some idea of which direction I want to go with my education. I want to be prepared to have a job in my chosen field when I graduate.
If I can't go back to school, I will start looking for entry level positions in my chosen field. Even though I am working as a caregiver, I am still spending much of my free time doing things that relate to the field I want to work in. One way or another, I should be able to move to a place with more than 5,000 people within the next year or two.
I'm learning to play my guitar. I'm learning T'ai Chi. I'm building strength and stamina so that I'll be able to take belly dance classes when I live in a place that offers classes. I'm hoping I'll be able to find hula classes too. I'm reading a regular basis, like I did when I was younger. I'm also building a solid music collection and playing with photography again.
What does all of that have to do with being fat? It is all of the stuff that I never dared pursue because I thought I couldn't do any of it until I was thin. I thought I was too unattractive to dance and too big to hold a guitar and too unsightly to be taking pictures in beautiful places. Now, I wear camisoles and plan my future like it doesn't matter that anybody thinks my body is disgusting.
I look mighty fine in a black camisole and black cotton briefs and I don't have to sleep with anybody who doesn't agree. Surprisingly, there are plenty of people who do agree. It's been fun discovering that. I wasn't able to until I stopped listening to all of those people who kept telling me what I couldn't and shouldn't do because I was too big and too unattractive to be doing anything or anyone. Just because some people's minds are too small to imagine me doing anything doesn't mean that I'm too big to do what I want. It just means that I shouldn't be trying to do it with them.
Doing things I love to do and doing them with people who love to do those things with me is definitely worth celebrating. So is doing things I love all by myself. That's what this blog is intended to be about.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Not Thinking About Fat
The last time I posted anything, I was dealing with some triggered emotions and behavior that I didn't like. I was spending a great deal of time quantifying what I ate. There weren't any value judgements, but there was a sense of having something to prove. I counted every gram, milligram, and calorie. I created charts illustrating how those things measured up according to the most current standards of balanced, healthy eating. I felt like I was going crazy trying to control my need to quantify everything and failing.
So, I just stopped. I stopped thinking about fat. I stopped writing about food. I didn't even look at my own blog or read anybody else's.
I watched this person's videos:
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=CaptainValor&view=videos
I wrote a story about a mermaid who goes to incredible lengths to win an enchanted dagger so that she can cut her tail in half and have human legs because we live in a world where humans pay other people to slice their bodies into an acceptable shape.
I organized my personal space so that everything has a place to go.
I figured out some new ways of helping my brother remember to take care of himself.
Yesterday, I strolled out of the grocery store and into a beautiful spring day without having to fight my body to make it happen. I know this is going to bring all my trolls back to my yard, but it's important. Moving my body is getting easier. Sure, I'm gaining stamina and building strength. What's really important to me is that I am regaining my sanity about moving my body. Instead of fighting muscle memory that wants to push until I can't move, I am regaining the ability to simply rest when I am injured.
Not too long ago, I wrote about hurting my back and trying to fix it with exercise, thus making it worse and increasing my suffering. A week ago, I did the kind of thoughtless thing that causes my back pain to flare up again. Instead of continuing to move in the hope that the exercise would lessen the pain, I rested. I alternated heat and cold for an hour and waited. The very next day, I was mostly fine. I did a little bit more than my back was ready for and paid for it with a bit more pain, but I rested again and was fine again.
Whenever I thought I should be exercising, I reminded myself of the joke my physical therapist used to tell me when I wanted to keep doing my exercises even though I was visibly suffering pain. "A guy went to see his doctor and said, 'Doctor! Doctor, it hurts when I do that!' The doctor replied, 'Don't do that!'" It's a very old joke, but it's one I always liked, so it's an effective way for me to remember that pain is a bright red light indicating that I need to stop what I'm trying to do.
By taking some time off, I was able to remind myself that self-care isn't measured in calories and the number on the scale. It's measured in how I respond to my body's needs and how easily I am able to enjoy the world around me. I was so busy measuring my blueberries that I almost missed the cherry blossoms this year. I still measure my blueberries, but now I do it because it makes it so much easier to add them to my yogurt for a refreshing snack.
So, I just stopped. I stopped thinking about fat. I stopped writing about food. I didn't even look at my own blog or read anybody else's.
I watched this person's videos:
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=CaptainValor&view=videos
I wrote a story about a mermaid who goes to incredible lengths to win an enchanted dagger so that she can cut her tail in half and have human legs because we live in a world where humans pay other people to slice their bodies into an acceptable shape.
I organized my personal space so that everything has a place to go.
I figured out some new ways of helping my brother remember to take care of himself.
Yesterday, I strolled out of the grocery store and into a beautiful spring day without having to fight my body to make it happen. I know this is going to bring all my trolls back to my yard, but it's important. Moving my body is getting easier. Sure, I'm gaining stamina and building strength. What's really important to me is that I am regaining my sanity about moving my body. Instead of fighting muscle memory that wants to push until I can't move, I am regaining the ability to simply rest when I am injured.
Not too long ago, I wrote about hurting my back and trying to fix it with exercise, thus making it worse and increasing my suffering. A week ago, I did the kind of thoughtless thing that causes my back pain to flare up again. Instead of continuing to move in the hope that the exercise would lessen the pain, I rested. I alternated heat and cold for an hour and waited. The very next day, I was mostly fine. I did a little bit more than my back was ready for and paid for it with a bit more pain, but I rested again and was fine again.
Whenever I thought I should be exercising, I reminded myself of the joke my physical therapist used to tell me when I wanted to keep doing my exercises even though I was visibly suffering pain. "A guy went to see his doctor and said, 'Doctor! Doctor, it hurts when I do that!' The doctor replied, 'Don't do that!'" It's a very old joke, but it's one I always liked, so it's an effective way for me to remember that pain is a bright red light indicating that I need to stop what I'm trying to do.
By taking some time off, I was able to remind myself that self-care isn't measured in calories and the number on the scale. It's measured in how I respond to my body's needs and how easily I am able to enjoy the world around me. I was so busy measuring my blueberries that I almost missed the cherry blossoms this year. I still measure my blueberries, but now I do it because it makes it so much easier to add them to my yogurt for a refreshing snack.
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